Today I heard Halloween referred to as “anti-feminist Christmas” by the wife of one of my favorite composers, John Mackey. (As a side note: Follow him on Twitter… he eats at fabulous places.) Needless to say, this made my mission to find the best Halloween costume for the woman-with-a-brain even more significant. So tonight, I’m sharing the “Look” of one of my personal heroes: Martha. That’s right–THAT Martha.

What better antidote to the run-of-the-mill sexy Uncle Sam costume than an entrepreneurial innovator that has changed the way Americans cook, clean, and craft.

Keys to THE MARTHA…

Lesson 1: If you’re gonna go, go all out. No one builds a billion dollar empire by throwing a costume together at the last… well, you get the point.

Lessons 2 & 3: Pay attention to details, and go through the pleated short phase early in your career.

Lesson 4: Once you’ve gotten over your mom-jean phase, start working out like a boss. Your physique is not something to take lightly. A few years ago, she was pole dancing on national television before most housewives knew pole dancing at the gym was “a thing.” Now I’m willing to bet sister is doing hot yoga in between tapings for Martha’s Cooking School.

Lesson 5: Two words: Power Sexy. God didn’t just give you those abs, honey! You earned them. So why not work it? Climb up on that ladder in your red stilettos and let those firemen look at you adoringly for the rest of the day. It’s not about being sexy, it’s about knowing that at the end of the day, you’re the one that signs the checks. You are in control, you own the company, and your name is on the bottom of those gorgeous enameled, cast-iron casseroles. (*Seriously, my enameled, cast-iron–an older version of this–probably gets used 4 nights a week. Love. It.)

Lesson 6: Finally, master the art of the hair flip + pursed lips. It lets people know that while you will do them the honor of answering their offensive or insignificant question, you are still in complete control of the situation, and they should watch themselves. Ladies like you have earned the right to be discriminating with your time.

What’s the verdict? Is it a good thing?

At my house, we didn’t celebrate Halloween. That house that handed out Jesus flyers with your Tootsie Rolls? That was us. So pardon me if I don’t really see the point in dressing up as a sexy nurse or a sexy pirate or a sexy Big Bird. Big Bird? That’s right: Big Bird. However, in thinking of what I, as a well-educated, well-read adult female in a mutually beneficial relationship, would consider dressing up as for a night filled with tricks, candy, and six year-olds dressed up as prostitutes it finally came to me…

That’s right, this powerful symbol of early-90’s womanhood may just be the perfect costume for you. And what better woman to emulate? Taking charge of her life after rehab (or as Lisa taught us to call it: The New Boarding School), she is a woman with fabulous style and a great career, not to mention numerous intelligent men surrounding her. In 1992, chose to keep an illegitimate pregnancy and become a single mother prompting criticism from the then vice president. And in 1997 she battled breast cancer, sparking another controversy when she chose to smoke medical marijuana and talk about the sizes of fake breasts. What powerful She-model shouldn’t garner a little criticism in the public arena now and then? Murphy Brown was pivotal in leading women in the direction of independence, and if you want to do the same, this is your look. Lucky for you, there are only a few simple steps to find Murphy’s signature style.

Lesson 1: There is no such thing as too much teasing. Here in the South we say, “The closer to Jesus, the better we like it,” and obviously Murphy took that heart.

Lesson 2: Button that collar all the way up. Unless you’re celebrating ‘Ladies’ Night with your girlfriends, there’s no reason to show so all that decolletage.

Lesson 3: Of course, if you were up late watching reruns of Miami Vice, you could always pop that baby.

Lesson 4: Garish sweaters will ensure that you never go unnoticed at the office. Better yet? The incomparable sweater vest. I’d suggest doing as Murphy’s done in the picture above and accenting the most random color in the palette and using it in your accessories (Read: Big Earrings).

And finally, when you’re all worn out after a long day of being the most powerful woman in the room, pop your Keds up on that marble-topped table and turn on that ghetto blaster. After all, you deserve it!

You can now be assured that in Thursday’s 9am meeting no one will be picturing you as a sexy nurse. You can thank me later!