Look at those babies! 2006

When we were on Mornings with Fox 43 a few weeks ago, they asked one question in particular that we’ve talked about since. “How do you change with your partner?” We got married at 21 & 22, y’all. James mentioned that after eight years, he is not married to the same woman (thank heavens!), and I’m not married to the same man (ditto). I’ve talked to several people recently in different stages of life and relationship  that have expressed these same views. It’s often overlooked during the excitement of falling in love but becomes a definite part of life a few years in. So today we’re going to talk about marriage and changing. We are by no means authorities, but we did sit down and record the things we think are keys (for us) to growing together.

Encourage your partner to try anything.

I was talking to a friend recently that said, after twenty years of marriage, she’s noticed that at any given point in the relationship one of the partners has been in transition. We try to live in the realm of ‘no regrets.’ We aren’t the type of people that want to look back and wonder “what if?” so if there’s something that seems a little wacky to the outside world that one of us wants to try, we go for it. Marriage should mean a built-in support system.

I’ll be the first to admit that not having kids makes this one a lot more feasible. But if you have the means to try something, it’s silly to let fear and doubt stop you.

On that same note, if you encourage your partner to try anything, you must be willing to support them through it. I’m kind of the worst at this. I recognize when things are good in theory but often have to be dragged over the line (kicking & screaming) to actually make them happen. A couple of years ago, James had the opportunity to spend a summer in NYC interning for Michael Bastian. I’d encouraged him to apply because it was his idea of the ultimate internship. But when he got it, I definitely freaked out a little. Ultimately, I sucked it up and stood by my original encouraging-wife-stance. It was ultimately one of the best experiences and was key to informing what he does today.

Communicate

That summer we lived in separate cities for the majority of 4 months. We learned a lot about communication. First of all, as I said before, if you’re going to communicate encouragement, you have to back it up. (Novel idea, I know, but particularly hard sometimes for the ever-cynical yours truly.)

Set times to “check-in.” This is especially important during those time when you may feel like you’re living in different worlds. Things are busy, your routine has changed, there are big life adjustments… Set a time to sit down and communicate.

Really listen and value what your partner is saying. Pay attention to the emotions behind what they are trying to communicate. You can’t always fix things for your partner but sometimes the best thing to know when you’re going through a change is that you are really being heard. If your partner can’t listen, who will?

Encourage Your Partner to Be Independent

Challenge your partner to try a new hobby or meet up with a new group of people. It builds confidence to try new things independently. Plus, it gives you a lot more to talk about. (Goodbye, monotony!) Let’s face it, a Thursday night dinner at home is going to be a lot more interesting if you have something to talk about other than The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt which you just finished binge-watching together on Netflix. 

Try New Things Together

In addition to growing and having new experiences independently, it’s also important to try new things together. Take a road trip to a place neither of you have ever been. Try to cook a new food together.  Take a class. Host a trivia night. Your partner is always on your team and as you grow and change together, it’s important to remind yourself of that! 

Any advice? We’d love to hear it!