When I was little, I would spend entirely too much time poring over my mom’s pink and white bound copy of Miss Piggy’s Guide to Life. I dreamt of big eyelashes, mud masks, and leg warmers. So in honor of tonight’s big premiere, I couldn’t resist a Miss Piggy Style File.

First and foremost, Miss Piggy believes that maintenance is key. You have to earn those curves, but you can still look good doing it. No holey tshirt and cotton shorts for this one. Dress for the occasion! And remember, pink is always on point.

Champagne is basically the water of the goddesses, no? Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! (Maybe if more gyms had a liquor license…)

I know she makes doing a mud mask in full eye makeup and pearls look easy, but trust me it’s not.

In the words of Sylvia Plath, “There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won’t cure, but I don’t know many of them.”

The proper bubble bath technique includes the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar, a cheese tray, monogrammed towels, maids, and the likeness of your true love carved in stone and made into a fountain. Obviously.

There is no excuse for not pulling your look together… Even when that excuse is that you live light years away on a spaceship with a group of incompetent spacepigs. Curl your hair, throw on some blush, and respect yourself!

Here’s the thing about Miss Piggy’s look. Makeup fads come and go, but black mascara is forever.

At 8pm tonight, we will be parked in front of ABC drinking champagne and watching The Muppets. What about you?